Tiswas #60: 30th August 1975

For a long time, this was considered to be the earliest surviving recording of Tiswas. Recently, there has been a recovery of an earlier edition – 9th Aug 1975 (Tiswas #57). That is almost intact, only the ending is missing. As things stand, only this show and #57 are the only surviving things from the first three years of Tiswas, there is nothing from 1974 or 1976.

Chris Tarrant is absent from this edition and #57, as he took August off to go on holiday, so for those familiar with Tiswas’s heyday, this feels rather sedate in comparison. It’s also the penultimate Tiswas featuring John Asher, whose contract would not be renewed after the following week’s edition.

This show is available to buy on DVD, as part of Network’s ITV60 box set. The third-party content, such as cartoons, film clips and Tarzan, have been edited out, but a full studio recording does exist (albeit without Tarzan). That can be viewed at BFI’s Mediatheque facilites in the UK.

Buy the ITV60 DVD box set or look into watching a studio recording at BFI Mediatheque.

ITV 60 DVD box set from Network DVD

The cold open

We get ready for a Tarrant-less edition of Tiswas. Yes, Chris has been absent from the 9th August 1975 edition (currently the earliest surviving recording) as he’s taking a holiday and won’t return until 13th September, by which time John Asher will no longer be presenting.

Freelance presenter Richard Barnes is addressing the camera, telling the viewers he’s happy to be back in ATV Land. It’s his third appearance on Tiswas. He was here the previous week, helping fill in for Chris.

This bit is a cold opening (TV talk for having a little scene preceding the opening titles, a common practice in comedy shows, especially in the sitcom Cheers). It’ll also be cold in a literal sense, as Richard gets soaked by a bucket of water due to an unseen person whispering to him, which he perceives as “programme gone down the drain?”

After the soaking, Richard protests. “I said rain, not drain!” And the soaking continues. Bit of a weak excuse for a slapstick prank, to be honest.

ATV Zoom 2 ident

Extremely rare for a cold open to be placed before an ident on any ITV programme, but here you go. The familiar colour ATV ident (known as ‘Zoom 2’ by the staff, even though it doesn’t zoom like the black-and-white version did, it’s merely a revised sequel for the colour age) plays out.

Back to Richard

“This is ridiculous!” exclaims Richard. “Come back again to ATV they said! On Tiswas! And the first thirty seconds of the programme and it has to happen! I hope it doesn’t go on like this for the rest of the sho…”

And predictably another load of water hits the be-suited announcer.

This will be Richard’s final time on Tiswas. His first appearance was on the 5th July where he stood in for an absent Peter Tomlinson. Those of you who lived in the region east of ATV Land would be more familiar with him, as Richard was a regular TV announcer on Anglia Television in the 1970s and 1980s.

Titles

Atomic Butterfly kicks in and we’re into the crude opening titles, which start off with a cut out of the letter T from the cartoon logo being overlaid on the ATV symbol, followed by a Tis… Tiswas!

“TODAY” flashes up over the floating spots sequence ‘borrowed’ from The Golden Shot titles, followed by “IS” and “SATURDAY”. It’s primitive, but this is the pre-CGI age and there’s little budget for slickness. Other backgrounds are brought in, like a ‘video vortex’ (if you’ve ever pointed a live camcorder at a television screen, you’ll know what the visual feedback looks like) and various drawings of cartoon characters (quite a few Disney favourites).

Clips of Snow White And The Seven Dwarves flash up, something that’d also be a component in the series 7 titles. Then there’s Daffy Duck, Woody Woodpecker and Donny Osmond. Oh, and the moment from the 1972 Munich Olympics where Belarusan gymnast Olga Korbut, representing Soviet Russia, did a series of astonishing flips.

Then as the tune is about to run out, we’re faced with the Tiswas cartoon logo overlaid on some mysterious blue background and spinning disco lights are crudely CSO’d there as well.

Those of you with Network’s ITV60 DVD version of the show won’t be seeing those third party clips because it’d be too costly to clear the rights, so they substituted them with scenes from this edition, which gives it a bizarre feel – ‘here’s what’s going to happen in this live show’!

Olga Korbut at the 1972 Olympics
Olga Korbut about to do a very impressive flip
John Asher on Tiswas
"Good morning!" hollers John Asher, in a CAMRA t-shirt.

Over to Asher and Tomlinson

I don’t think many children’s TV presenters have turned up to their job in a bright orange t-shirt with a massive CAMRA logo on it. Yes, John Asher is flaunting the virtues of the Campaign For Real Ale, which is quite jaw dropping when you think about it. When we uploaded the first couple of minutes to YouTube in 2007, people were astounded at this choice of t-shirt!

John is absolutely enthusiastic, with a manic grin to shout “good morning!” and it marks a contrast when the camera cuts to the co-presenter at his side, Peter Tomlinson, who comes across as dour in comparison!

Peter Tomlinson on Tiswas
A more sedate greeting from Peter Tomlinson.

Tiswas Top Ten Time: Every Time You Touch Me by Charlie Rich

The posh voice of Peter gears into some enthusiasm as he announces the list of midlands viewers who have requested a certain singer. It’s quite a long list, so John helps out reading it and builds up the tension. The camera then cuts to a man in a gorilla suit going “a-one, a-two, a one-two-three-four!”, attempting to start a dance. (It’s Richard Barnes in that costume.)

“Who is that gorilla, John?” asks Peter.

“Not the big gorilla season by any chance is it, Pete?” replies John. That’s a reference that baffles me.

Anyway, the eventual promotional video comes up, and it’s a truly odd choice of a lounge-based easy listening tune – Every Time You Touch Me (I Get High) by country singer Charlie Rich, who is in a jazzy entertainer mode. You certainly understand why Peter hinted that the viewers’ mums may well have been the influence for this choice. Your ITV60 DVD won’t have this included of course.

Promo clip for Charlie Rich's song Every Time You Touch Me (I Get High).
Promo clip for Charlie Rich's song Every Time You Touch Me (I Get High). It's bland but the title isn't!
Hey Diddle Diddle, the dog?
Hey Diddle Diddle, the dog jumped over the moon?

Last week’s Underates competition results

Back to the studio, with a gag that results in a “you hum it and I’ll play it” punchline, we’re into the results of last week’s under-eights compo. John reminds us they showed eight cartoon slides about nursery rhymes where there was something wrong with each of them.

We get recap of these slides (as The Gonk from the De Wolfe music library is played in the background, a familiar piece of music to Tiswas viewers at this time and four years later it’ll get a different context when used at the end of The Dawn Of The Dead):

  • Jack and Jill, but with a kettle instead of a pail of water
  • Old Mother Hubbard with a full refrigerator
  • Little Boy Blue playing a violin
  • Simple Simon meeting an ice cream seller
  • Little Miss Muffett frightened by a fish
  • Hickory Dickory Dock, with a cat running up the clock
  • Hey Diddle Diddle, with a dog jumping over the moon
  • The Queen Of Hearts, with the knave picking the tarts in a snowstorm, rather than a summer’s day

John picks out three winners. They’re from Bloxwich, Derby and Tewkesbury. They’ll be getting Tiswas Tokens in the post.

Cartoon time: Woody Woodpecker

Debbie from Burton-on-Trent is live on the telephone, requesting a Woody Woodpecker cartoon.

“In your letter, you said ‘mummy says send a kiss from Chris Tarrant’”, explains Peter. “Well, we haven’t got Chris Tarrant in the studio this morning, but I wonder if this will do.” And we cut to the gorilla blowing kisses to the camera.

Anyway, we get the Woody Woodpecker cartoon Poop Deck Pirate from 1961. Another item omitted from the ITV60 DVD.

Woody Woodpecker cartoon
Woody Woodpecker in Poop Deck Pirate.
La Scala in Milan. Italy
La Scala in Milan Italy, one of the places last week's Overates competition asked you to identify.
Disco Pak prize
John Asher presenting the rare Disco Pak compilation LP as a prize.

Overates competition results

A recap of another competition from last week, and it’s a bit more highbrow as viewers were challenged to name five opera houses from photos:

  • Royal Opera House, Covent Garden, London, United Kingdom
  • La Scala, Milan, Italy
  • Metropolitan Opera, New York, USA
  • Glyndebourne, Lewes, United Kingdom
  • Sydney Opera House, Sydney, Australia

The winners are in the studio and John does the old ‘up by the ears’ trick (which still fooled some adult viewers into thinking the kids really were being dragged up by the presenters) to introduce them from behind the desk:

  • Michelle from Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershire
  • David from Coventry, Warwickshire
  • Wendy from Thurmaston, Leicestershire

Girl guide Michelle wants to squirt water at John from a water pistol and gets her wish fulfilled. David talks about his bicycle. Wendy’s main thing is playing the piano. They all get to say hello to relatives and friends.

Each of these kids gets their prize, and it’s the Disco Pak compilation LP from 1975, which we’re told will never be commercially available – “there will only be 200 copies printed”. (Sure enough, the scan on Discogs has the words “DEMONSTRATION / NOT FOR SALE” in big bold type.) They’re then pushed down behind the desk with a “get off!” instruction from John.

Gorilla joke

John complains that he’s not had his breakfast and so he’s feeling hungry. Peter’s to the rescue, as he can get some toast… by putting some bread… under the GORILLA!

Cut to the gorilla being confronted by Peter and a mock fight ensues with both of them wrestling on the floor of studio 3. And that’s the End Of Part One, folks!

Richard Barnes and Peter Tomlinson
Peter Tomlinson and an unmasked Richard Barnes.

Part Two

After the break, the two fighters are exhausted, getting up off the floor.

“Who in the big season are you?” asks Peter to the partially-revealed gorilla.

“I’m Richard Barnes!” explains the ex-gorilla.

“You look just like Richard Barnes!” says Peter.

“Well… I’m Richard Barnes.”

“That’s what I said. Doesn’t he look just like Richard Barnes?” says Peter, now turning to the camera.

“Well I am Richard Barnes.”

And that’s the end of that sketch. It’s either a work of dadaist genius that goes beyond the manic surrealism of Reeves And Mortimer, or they were ad-libbing and had no material to fall back on.

Last week’s Tricky Test Time

John reminds viewers that last week’s Tricky Test Time was to make as many English words as you can out of the phrase BANK HOLIDAY, using three or more letters and not using any proper nouns.

John then shows the letter from the viewer with the most words, which is a very very long roll of paper with many scrawlings all over it. The sender is ‘dragged up by the ears’, it’s Janine from Sutton Coldfield, who says the letter took three days to complete. She wins a Tiswas Token.

John Asher with a viewer's letter
A viewer's letter that's very long indeed, a winning entry for last week's Tricky Test Time.
John Asher and Peter Tomlinson on Tiswas, August 1975
A happy John Asher with a glum Peter Tomlinson.

Itch joke

“What does it mean when your palm itches?” asks Peter.

“That means you’ve got little visitors” explains John.

“What does it mean when your head itches?”

“That means they’ve arrived, Pete!”

“Oh no!”

Yeah, this gag gets no traction whatsoever and John just pulls out a water pistol to squirt at Peter.

Film clip: The Apple Dumpling Gang

Peter turns attention to the fact that the number of viewers will swell up again now the summer holidays are nearly at an end and tells us all to keep the letters coming in.

About a dozen viewers have requested to see the scene of the bank robbery attempt in the live-action Disney film The Apple Dumpling Gang, released in July. There’s a minute-long clip on YouTube, but Tiswas’s excerpt goes on for over five minutes, showcasing an epic shoot-out. The film has since been issued on videocassette, DVD and even Blu-ray, but isn’t currently available on Disney+.

The Apple Dumpling Gang
A clip from The Disney movie, The Apple Dumpling Gang.

Which, What, Where?: Round 1

The first of today’s competitions. John Asher challenges us to name a famous street. Up crops a photo that I believe to be a mid-1960s photo of Times Square in New York. (A reverse Google Image search result aligns with that prediction.)

Times Square, New York
Looks like Times Square in New York, doesn't it?

Music video: Galloping Home by Denis King

About a dozen viewers have requested to see something from The Adventures Of Black Beauty, the LWT drama series that ran from 1972 to 1974 on ITV. We get a promo film for Galloping Home, the stirring orchestral theme from composer Denis King. Well, the first two minutes at least, as we cut back to Studio 3.

Of course, if you’re a British comedy aficionado, you’ll know the Black Beauty theme tune is a particular favourite of Lynn Benfield, Alan Partridge’s assistant. It crops up in the final episode of series 1 of I’m Alan Partridge, as the choice of background for Alan’s final party in the Linton Travel Tavern.

A look at the promo video for Galloping Home by Denis King
A look at the promo video for Galloping Home by Denis King, known as the theme tune for LWT's Black Beauty.

Black Beauty sketch

An actual live horse is in Studio 3, being tended to by Joan Palmer. She’s all kitted out like a farmer’s daughter. Peter Tomlinson introduces us to the horse as the “real” Black Beauty. He asks the “stable lass” (Joan) some questions about him, to which she, in character, makes some wild bluffs.

Peter suspects there’s something off with this situation and pulls off her large hat so we can all see it’s Joan. Like Richard Barnes, Joan has been a stand-in presenter on a few occasions so far in series 2, having substituted for Peter Tomlinson and Trevor East a few times in early 1975 and once augmenting the full team (12th July). In total, she’ll have co-presented eight editions of Tiswas by the end of series 2 and that’ll be it for her tenure on the show.

Unlike Richard though, New Zealander Joan is a regular on the ATV payroll at this time, being one of the continuity announcers since the late 1960s. She was a figurehead for the station’s move into colour and was the last person to broadcast from ATV’s shared studios in Aston.

Anyway, back to the sketch. Joan is now inviting Peter to directly interview the horse. It’s an idea that Peter finds preposterous. He gives it a go and starts by asking the horse its age.

“That’s alright,”, ‘says’ the horse (which sounds like Richard putting on a silly voice). “Good morning Joan, Peter, I’m eight years old!”

“Eight years old and you really do talk!?” asks an astounded Peter. The conversation continues, with the horse ‘saying’ it’s appearing in a charity meeting at a harness racing stadium in Brownhills later on today. Peter subtly pokes fun at the predicament Richard is in, having to remain in character as ‘Black Beauty’, causing some laughter from the production crew.

There’s a little plug for the return of Black Beauty on ATV (which would have to be repeats, no new episodes would be made until 1990). We cut over to another five seconds of the Galloping Home promo clip, then it’s back to the studio desk.

Underates competition

There’s a bit of banter between Peter Tomlinson and the voice of Peter Matthews, then we go into this week’s competition for the under-eights. The challenge is about people doing jobs that require them to sit down all day. Cartoon slides pop up depicting:

  • A couple of airline pilots
  • A pianist
  • Some telephone switchboard operators
  • A typist
  • A judge
  • An astronaut
  • A fortune teller
  • A night watchman

Just before the next item, John’s got a gag for us: What did the German policeman say to the English pig? Ve haff ways of making you PORK!

This does result in genuine laughter from the audience of kids behind the desk, most likely helped by John quickly putting on a monocle and delivering the punchline in a WW2 villain voice.

Cartoon of a couple of airline pilots.
This week's Underrates competition asks you to identify jobs where sitting down all day is a requirement. Here's a couple of airline pilots.
Joan Palmer, a horse and Richard Barnes
A quick look at the 'stable' area of Studio 3 just before we go for a break.

Telephone Tricky Test Time

We’re presented with a slide that’s fairly empty, but on the right side of it is a column of three words: BAG; BOX and BELT. John asks us to guess the well-known five-letter word that can logically be added to the front of these three words.

It’s not that hard really and if you haven’t guessed it, you won’t win any money. Ahem.

We’re coming up to a break, and we cut for just a few seconds to Joan and Richard in the ‘stable’ area of the studio with the horse.

Part Three

Julie of Acock’s Green is live on the air via a telephone call with John Asher. She’s requested a clip of “anything with Michael Caine in”. She also has to come up with the answer to Telephone Tricky Test Time and after a bit of help from her mum (or ‘mom’ as they say in the west midlands), she correctly guesses ‘money’ is the answer. (The challenge could also be answered with the word ‘black’, I reckon.)

John gets her mother on the phone and lets her greet everyone she knows. He invites Julie to also greet anyone she knows, but she can’t come up with a single name. When asked what she did in the summer holidays, her answer is “absolutely nothing”. Still, she’s getting a Tiswas Token in the post. And here comes her request…

John Asher on the phone
John Asher on the telephone.
A scene from The Wilby Conspiracy
Michael Caine is being a bit threatening in the clip from The Wilby Conspiracy.

Film clip: The Wilby Conspiracy

No, not a movie about a plot in that Northamptonshire village, but one set in South Africa yet very critical of the racial apartheid system there. At this time, it’s Michael Caine’s most recent film and the primary star is Sidney Poitier as a man on the run from South African police. (Unsurprisingly, the film makers chose not to actually film it in South Africa and used Kenya instead.)

A two-and-a-half-minute film clip shows the aircraft scene where the activists fly across the border out of South Africa but are still pursued by the country’s air force. That’s a theme somewhat echoed by the 1988 movie Mississippi Burning. Yes, it’s quite heavy stuff for a children’s Saturday morning TV show.

When we cut back to the studio, Peter gives a tiny spoiler to the conclusion of that scene.

Which, What, Where?: Round 2

Peter introduces a photo of another famous street, which is clearly Piccadilly Circus in London. He’s a bit annoyed that some of the kids behind him have mentioned the answer, so he throws a tumbler of water behind him, soaking a couple of them. This causes audible disgust and laughter from the crowd as about three random kids get splashed.

Piccadilly Circus
Looks like London's Piccadilly Circus, doesn't it?

Peter Matthews, flanned?

A viewer has written asking to see Peter Matthews (“not THE Peter Matthews!?”), so John brings up a photo slide of him. He looks a little bit like Gordon Astley. As the photo remains on screen, John reads out another letter, as a viewer has suggested Peter deserves a custard pie in the face.

An arm appears out of nowhere, splattering the photo with a custard pie. It’s quite obvious this has been chromakeyed in via blue screen (and it it’s a rather lady-like arm, so most likely Joan Palmer on flanning duty). The vision mixer cuts the effect, resetting the photo to its un-pied state.

“Oh” says John. It’s not clear whether that was on purpose or by accident. Peter Tomlinson announces that Peter Matthews will debut “with his own little spot” on Tiswas “in the next few weeks”. (22nd May 1976 by our records, which stretches the ‘next few weeks’ estimate by quite a bit.)

Cartoon time: Daffy Duck

Peter Tomlinson introduces a Daffy Duck cartoon. This short is called Dime To Retire, which was originally released in 1955. It’s got the stuttering Porky Pig in a co-lead role. It fills up nearly six minutes.

Daffy Duck and Porky Pig
Daffy Duck and Porky Pig in the cartoon short Dime To Retire.
John Asher on the phone to a viewer
John Asher is mid-call to a viewer.

Competition: tiger cubs

Joan and Richard join the main presenters behind the desk. A competition is being announced by Joan, asking viewers to come up with names for a couple of new-born tiger cubs at Dudley Zoo. Richard says the author of the winning choice, along with their family, will all receive a year’s ‘season ticket’ to the zoo.

You’re advised to send your entry into the usual B1 2JP address, with a tiger on the envelope. John clarifies that it’s the word ‘tiger’ and not an actual tiger.

Sketch

This talk of tigers prompts Joan to recite William Blake’s poem The Tyger, but as soon as she hits the phrase “burning bright”, John plonks a bucket of water over her head.

Richard comes to Joan’s defence by plastering John with a custard pie, with a slow-reacting cameraman only capturing the aftermath.

“You can’t have any burning in the studio,” explains Peter as the reason for the soaking. “While we can’t have any burning in the studio, we may as well have no Asher in the studio as well! Get off! Telly Selly Time!”

John ducks behind the desk and we go for a break.

A pied John Asher, with Peter Tomlinson
A pied John Asher, with Peter Tomlinson.

Part Four

We’re back as John is wiping the last of the magenta-hued custard off his face. 

“Why does the Lord Mayor of London wear red, white and blue braces?” asks John.

Peter fluffs the response: “I don’t know, why does the Lord Mayor of London wear red, white and blue trousers? Er, braces?”

“To keep his trousers up” responds John, as Peter is understandably cringing about his verbal mistake.

Which, What, Where?: Round 3

Another photo slide and I reckon that’s the Champs-Élysées in Paris.

“The word ‘street’ just doesn’t seem to fit it,” explains John, giving a major hint. “In which town and country is it situated?”

Champs Elysees, Paris
Looks like the Champs-Élysées in Paris for this round of Which, What, Where?
A custard-pied John Asher.
A custard-pied John Asher tries telling a joke.

Joke reprise

“I say, I say, I say!” exclaims John as he seemingly launches into another joke. “Why does the Lord Mayor Of London wear red, white and blue braces?”

“I know, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” replies Peter, confidently. “To keep his trousers up!”

“No! To stop ‘em falling down!”

Cartoon time: Porky Pig

John’s pleased to have viewer letters requesting Porky Pig and suggests the character is best served up at breakfast time with a couple of eggs.

Peter puts on a stereotypical Irish accent to explain the title of this 1951 short – The Wearing Of The Grin – is a pun. Although he doesn’t mention the source of it, a popular street ballad in Ireland made in support of the Irish Rebellion of 1798.

In this cartoon, which runs for about six and a half minutes, Porky ends up in a creepy castle in the middle of Ireland, haunted by leprechauns.

Porky Pig in a haunted Irish castle
Porky Pig visits a haunted Irish castle in the cartoon short The Wearing Of The Grin.
Which, What, Where? Round 4
Which, What, Where? We're stumped on this one.

Which, What, Where?: Round 4

“This is the most famous of all the European thoroughfares in all of Latin Europe,” explains Peter. “It’s said that the Caesars passed down here in the great days of the ancient empires. We want to know which city and country can it be found in.”

Well, I’m stumped on the road’s identity from this black-and-white photo, but I think the clue heavily hints at Rome, Italy. We’re told the fifth and final round will be on after this week’s serving of Tarzan.

Joker Of The Week

Dressed in a suit jacket with a big bow-tie, John is channelling Bruce Forsyth with his vocal mannerisms here, in front of the only dedicated studio flat. It’s a painted backdrop depicting red stage curtains and the smiling mask from that familiar duo of theatre icons. Susan of Redditch is the child ready to tell her joke this week.

“What’s the difference between a kiss, a car and a monkey? A kiss is so sweet, a car is too dear and the monkey is you, dear!”

After a second of silence, some prompted applause and laughter takes place. John hands over a Joker Of The Week certificate.

“More, more!” shouts a voice.

“Have you got another one, dear?” asks John to Susan, who looks a bit nervous and shakes her head.

John Asher and a Tiswas fan on Joke Of The Week.
Joker Of The Week on Tiswas.
Peter Tomlinson splashes John Asher
A soaking! Peter Tomlinson splashes John Asher.

Tiswas Talk-Up Time

Peter mentions that ATV’s Helen Piddock was on the show a few weeks ago (9th Aug 1975 by our records)., talking in Tiswas Talk-Up Time about the lack of play facilities in various areas. He encourages viewers to write in on that very subject, mentioning it can also extend to play schemes and playgroups.

Still in his bowtie and jacket, John comes over and starts mugging behind Peter’s back. Peter carries on talking at the camera but swiftly throws a tumbler of water into John’s face, to much laughter.

Peter expects Helen will be back at some point with some kind of “progress report” on this topic. Well, our records show she returned on the 13th December, so that’s quite some time!

Tricky Test Time

“Take a look at that!” exclaims John, as the screen is filled with this:

Early one ___, just as the sun was ___, I heard a ___ sing in the ___ below; “Oh, don’t ___ me”, oh never ___ me! How could you ___ a ___ maiden so?” 

John reads it out, leaving pauses in the blanks, which causes some guffawing from the production crew. The idea is that the viewers work out the missing words, then take the first letter of each word and then jumble them up to get something that is a “fruit and an instrument”. To make matters more confusing, John states that there is a deliberate mistake in there somewhere.

Well, I’ve got M, R, M, V, D, L, U, P and I’ve not worked out the deliberate mistake. Most confusing!

The missing words quiz
Guess the missing words in Tricky Test Time.
John Asher pours water over Peter Tomlinson
John Asher soaks Peter Tomlinson as revenge for an earlier splashing.

More competitions

Peter tells viewers to fly their kites this weekend, as the ‘Tiswas plane’ will be out and about looking for kits. He also encourages people to write in if they spot this plane.

Another competition is being set. Peter goes through the details, and as he does that, John sneaks behind him with a jug of water, ready to take revenge on the soakings received earlier. Peter quietly acknowledges that he’s about to get wet but continues explaining the challenge. He wants you to do a painting of the best day you had in the recent school holidays. As water trickles through his hair and John is immensely pleased, Peter manages to recite most of the Tiswas address.

Then Peter reveals that he was a little concerned about the water reaching a competition prize. It’s a portable radio/cassette recorder/player thing! The kind of thing you’d be hooking up to your Commodore 64 or ZX Spectrum a decade later to load in games, I reckon.

“And now at vast expense,” announces Peter, “from the New Zealand Royal Academy, representing the Antipodean Big Season, here’s Joan Palmer, talking about her favourite painting!”

Joan’s favourite painting

In a corner of the studio, Joan’s in front of a large picture frame in which a live video feed of Richard is shown, via chromekey effect. He’s remaining still at the moment, but not doing a good job of it. For some reason he’s in a wig and a moustache.

“If I had a talking picture of you-oo!” sings Joan, echoing the 1920s song If I Had A Talking Picture Of You by Ray Henderson.

“Don’t do that, Joan” warns Richard, who can barely be heard because he’s not near a live microphone, “it’s still wet!”

At that point, a studio hand throws a bucket of water over him, causing much laughter.

Joan Palmer with a 'painting' of Richard Barnes
Joan Palmer with a 'painting' of Richard Barnes, just before a soaking occurs.
Louise Davis has a birthday announcement
Louise Davis's birthday on Tiswas.

Part Five

Tiswas returns in Happy Birthday mode with a cartoon cake overlaid via chromekey. Peter and John are singing Happy Birthday and then follow it on with birthday greetings to the viewers who requested them.

They drag Joan ‘up by the ears’ from beneath the desk to join in reading out a few greetings. John then drags up Richard to do some more.

It’s John’s turn and he gets to show a really large card sent in for Louise of Great Barr:

To Chris, John & Co
It’s my 5th birthday on
September 1st
Will you announce it on
August 30th 11:00
So many thanks

A few water pistol squirtings are aimed at John, followed by Peter getting his own back again by pouring water over John’s head, all while John is trying to introduce us to a film clip.

Film clip: West Side Story

It’s the scene where Rita Moreno and George Chakiris and their groups break into the song America. Probably the most famous song from this 1961 musical and that gives us nearly four minutes of music and dance! Who says Tiswas wasn’t cultured?

The song America in West Side Story
A clip of the cast performing America, in the musical film West Side Story.

Tarzan introduction

Back to John, Joan and Peter at the desk. John wants to give a big thank you to the people he met in Tewkesbury last Sunday and that he really enjoyed his first time in a hot-air balloon. He was also elsewhere in the midlands, opening a fete in Bicester.

All of a sudden, the gorilla is back, swinging on the rope that’s now behind the desk and in front of the children. The cheeky primate grabs a water pistol and squirts it at John. However, there’s a plan to distract this animal. Handing over a note to the beast, the presenters make their escape as the gorilla reads it:

“You don’t think you’re getting paid for this morning, do you, you silly ape! Signed, Ron Ely. Now beat your chest!”

The gorilla/Richard does so and shouts “me, Tarzan!”

Tarzan

There were 57 episodes of the Tarzan adventure series starring Ron Ely, all made between 1966 and 1968. Each of them took around an hour and they were also staples of Saturday morning schedules in other regions, but never really shown simultaneously.

I’d tell you the exact episode being shown, but my copy of the studio recording has the entirety of Tarzan crudely edited out. I’m not heavily upset by this, I got to see the Tarzan series in the late 1970s in the Anglia region and it was just really dull ‘Boy’s Own’ nonsense. All I can say is this took up much of the final hour of Tiswas and as it ends, we get just a few minutes more with John, Peter, Richard and John at the desk.

Tarzan 1966-68
The title card from the Tarzan series where Ron Ely played the lead.
Which, What, Where? Round 5
A black-and-white aerial photograph of a major city is on screen. Well, I can't identify it.

Which, What, Where?: Round 5

We cut to the studio as the Tiswas team and the children are beating their chests with the familiar Tarzan yell.

“Here’s a famous street and it’s found on the west coast of a famous continent” explains John as a black-and-white aerial photograph of a major city is on screen. “It’s also the title of the equally famous movie a few years ago. It was also the epitome of all that was great of a bygone age of movie making. That’s a tricky one, that. In which city and country can it be found? Clickety-click. Clickety-click! There’s a clue!”

Postcard from Chris

“We’ve had a postcard from Chris”, announces Peter. “He’s taken up a new sport, he has in fact taken up golf” is said as the camera zooms in on the postcard’s image of a chimpanzee with a golf club.

“Thank you Chris, look forward to seeing you soon!” Peter then goes on to thank the people him and Chris met at Dudley Zoo a while back, including one that specifies him to read it out before 10:30am. He pulls a face to say “oops” at that point, as it’s gone way past 12 noon at World Of Sport is minutes away.

Joan reads out a few greetings, followed by John doing more of the same, and then Richard’s turn.

Bye!

And with that, the whole team shout “bye!” and do a singalong of Frank Sinatra’s When You’re Smiling.

End Credits

All prerecorded, with Atomic Butterfly as background music.

John Asher has just been voted the happiest man in Bilston! And the happiest man in Bilston is being sent to him by parcel post!” – Peter Tomlinson.

Peter Tomlinson – Poochie to his friends – is now appearing as Big JB in The Big Season at The Coliseum, Bilston.” – John Asher.

Joan Palmer is appearing as Tie-me in Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport at The Dunes, Wollombola Base” – Richard Barnes.

Richard Barnes, I beg your pardon, Richard Barnes, will shortly be sent back to Dudley Zoo, because it’s time for his din-dins!” – Joan Palmer.

“Ah!” – Joan and Peter.

“The editorial assistant was Peter Matthews” – Peter Tomlinson.

“Not THE Peter Matthews!?” – John, Richard and Joan.

“Yes, he’s just been awarded an Oscar, that’s Oscar the gorilla who you’ve been seeing in the programme!” – Peter Tomlinson

“And we think that Rob Harding is taking up flying! At least he said he was going to jump off the roof at the end of the programme!” – John Asher.

“Hooray.” – Richard Barnes

“Tiswas, an ATV Colour Production!” – John, Peter, Joan and Richard.

How to watch this edition

This show was released in very good quality on DVD quite a while ago by Network Distributing, who sadly no longer exist. However, at time of writing, there are still new copies available.

The show is part of a box set celebrating 60 years of ITV – ITV60.

The third-party content, such as cartoons, film clips and Tarzan, have been edited out. It would have been too expensive to license that, but the Galloping Home promo film is there intact.

Buy the ITV60 DVD box set.

ITV 60 DVD box set from Network DVD